If there is a hell, and the Cenobites are running it, I know what my eternal torment will be if I ever end up there. No whips, chains or hooks for me; I'll be strapped into a chair A Clockwork Orange style and made to watch films like all these Hellraiser sequels for all eternity. And the one that breaks me might well be Hellraiser: Hellworld.
Five friends - including a young Clark Kent after he's been rubbed with some red kryptonite, apparently - attend the funeral of their friend Adam who committed suicide after becoming obsessed with the MMORPG they all played together called "Hellworld" - this MMO being based around the Cenobites and the Lament Configuration. One friend, Jake, is particularly upset and blames the group for Adam's death. Some time later - it could be a month, it could be three years but the movie doesn't give us any clues - the group are all invited to a "Hellworld"-themed party; even Jake, who they hadn't even seen since Adam's funeral. At the party, they also meet the Host, who has a very large collection of Hellraiser, Lament Configuration and general creepy memorabilia - including apparently the house the party is being held in. Apparently, Phillip L'Merchant was also an architect after he was a toymaker (where did he find the time, being dead and all?). One by one the group separate to be tormented and picked off by the Host and Pinhead in various gory ways. What is the secret truth of Hellworld and how is the Host connected to it all? And will any of them manage to escape it?
Well then. So much for the Lament Configuration being a forbidden relic; a secret device revealed to only a select few dedicated pleasure seekers. Now it's all mass-marketed and you can get your kicks with a computer game or by wearing an official "Hellworld" Cenobite mask. I can only imagine that business was bad enough in hell that Pinhead was forced to sell out and monetize the brand to make ends meet. "All these piercings and leather robes and bindings cost more than you think, you know, and the value of the soul against the dollar and the Euro has really dropped lately..." Or maybe the film thinks it's being clever by going all meta and fourth wall breaking - "Ooh, look at us; we're using a cheap, badly-made sequel to a franchise that should have been left alone back in the 90s to mock the very consumer fan culture we're milking for all it's worth!" At one point in the film the Host (played by none other than Lance Henriksen, who really must have had some bills to pay to be in this one, especially since he has said he doesn't like to do slasher films) pops up and says to our protagonist Chelsea, "Like a bad horror movie, isn't it?" Yes, Lance. Yes, it is.
What's even worse is the film's climactic revelation. Spoilers here, but believe me you won't care: after we discover that the Host is actually their dead friend Adam's long-lost father (and hands up anyone who's not surprised) he then reveals that he drugged them all and this has all been a dream while he buries them alive. Arrrrgh. How many times do we have to go over this, movie writers? The "It was all just a dream" trope is a cop-out that hasn't worked since Dorothy found her way home from the land of Oz. It's weak; it cheats and belittles the audience and it reverts any character development made during the course of the film. Sure there was some actual danger involved this time, but they could have been hallucinating/dreaming anything while being buried alive and it wouldn't have lessened that threat.
Then there's the supposed subplot where our protagonist Chelsea (who also pulls some kickboxing skills out of her ass at one point) is supposed to be an expert on the Hellworld game and therefore by default the Cenobites and the Lament Configuration. But all she does is go on about how she didn't open the box and so none of this can be actually happening. They had an opportunity here to add in some interesting new lore to the film and the franchise (lore that actually made sense, that is, not something like the whole confusing mess about L'Merchant being an architect as well as a toymaker), but they wasted that opportunity as well.
And then Pinhead makes a joke at the end. He quips. Sweet merciful Eris, guys, what is it about "High Priest of the Order of the Gash; shouldn't be going around making bad puns" do you not get?
I'm not even going to bother pointing out all the plot holes and inconsistencies in Hellworld; some of them could probably be explained away by the "just a dream" crap anyway, regardless of how little sense they bring to the film. You'd be forgiven for thinking that this film marks the nadir of the Hellraiser franchise, but alas, we still have one more film to go...
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